 We loved the beach I have been on my own since I was 14, I learned survival skills very young. I was labeled " a survivor" by my 5th grade teacher. The way I viewed my world all these years came from a place of long ago...wishing for love and acceptance...that I didn't have to earn. I was told over and over again as a child that I would never make it in this world. I took on responsibilities as a 14 year old that were way beyond my years of development, but I made it successfully for the next 23 years. I beat all the odds and obstacles (so far) that I came up against. I worked so hard for my family, I wanted them to have a better life~ they did~ and for that~ I am always grateful.
During the times in my life when I felt depressed or hopeless, I did not always know where my strength would come from. I now know that I had a purpose to fulfill. How I have survived all this...is because when I feel like I cannot endure one more loss or get through one more day....I walk on the beach....I remember my contributions to the world; the compassion that has always been in my heart for other people. My developing faith.....
I know myself so well and why I am who I am. I have allowed myself to be free of the things I cannot control or change. I have lived and loved with everything that I learned and worked for on my own. I weathered all the storms the best I could. I allowed myself to not be perfect. I've tried to rise above the deepest pain known to man. I am a very different person, a better person.
I have forgiven the unforgivable.
When I remember all my walks and talks on the beach with Paul, an amazing peace comes over me, a sense of gratitude that I had those 29 years with him. Because there was nothing left unsaid between us..I don't have to spend my life regretting -"if only." I got to speak with him 12 hours before he was killed. Our last "I love you's" were spoken.
I have survived all this because I was born a survivor, just as I was told I was....so long ago....and when I walk on the beach now and there is only one set of footprints I see...I understand why. To survive great loss there must be something inside us that is greater than the pain. It is found only when we are brought to our knees of despair.
I have learned patience, because the loss of a child will take a lifetime to grieve. You will be ambushed by the milestones of times they will no longer achieve that you would have shared..and all the special dates that will remind you of their loss. I have learned that helping others, who know the same pain, is the best help I can give myself. I know that death ends a life, but not the relationship.
I am thankful for the journey I have had and to all those who have shared a portion of it, no matter how long or brief ~It would not have been the same journey without you.
Moving forward 4 years later...I have survived on my own, which has been and always will be my own legacy~ my son's legacy endures and the future will take care of itself. Paul has lead me to peace & a place as peaceful as the harbors we shared. I never had a chance to be young, he never had a chance to grow old. There is a mystery as to why we had this journey; and it was cut so short.
Many of us will live our lives with no answers to the destiny that was prepared for us. I learned at a young age- that when no one will believe in you, you must believe in yourself. I learned that some questions have no answers and maybe there is a good reason in not knowing-
Though I still have great challenges to face coming up~ I try to keep a positive attitude and know- everyday-that Paul would want me to hang in there. I live on hope of a better tomorrow and rely on my beautiful memories when I am so sad. I pray everyday that the rest will someday understand so we can honor Paul's memory- together- for him.
There is a place..... full of love-
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