Paul's life was 29 years, 9 months and 25 days long. From a little boy until the day he died, he loved life, people and his family. He was adventurous, outgoing, funny and compassionate. He had intense curiosity at a very early age.
When he went away to UNCC for college, his curiosity lead him on his Christian path. He met the uncle of his college roomate who was a pastor. His faith developed very quickly after that. He would go to the Blue Ridge Mountains of NC and sit for days talking to Rev Bob. Paul became very content with his life after that, he found peace in his heart that was unsettled before. He lead me down the same path and we shared an amazing journey from that moment on. We attended a 4 day revival in Tampa, Florida in July 2005. Those 4 days completely changed our lives.
Paul tried to be the peacemaker and I felt sad that he assumed that role, but that's who he was and what meant everything to him. His last Christmas 2005 was the last time we would all be together ever again. One of our very last conversations- he said " Mom- there are some things- you just have to leave up to God- we just learned that- remember?"
Who would have known that the very next July- would be the end of his life? Thank God we had that year, it prepared me for the worst days of my life. When I read his bible, there is always a new message that I find that he underlined, it's like he wanted me to know he would always leave a message- just as he did in life with sharing scripture, emails, handwritten letters and his life events- our connection can never be broken.
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My doorbell rang at 4 a.m. on the morning of July 21, 2006. It took 21 steps to reach the front door from my bedroom. There were two police cars in my driveway.
My heart rate jumped to at least 140~ as my hand was reluctant to turn the doorknob to open the door.
I hesitated for a few seconds and thought, “This can’t be good.” My youngest son is currently deployed in Iraq and this was the moment I have dreaded since he enlisted, I can’t hear that! I was greeted by the officers, “ Ms. Smith?”
“Yes” I answered. “I don’t want to know why you are here, Please don’t tell me”, I begged.
“ Can we come in and sit down?” was the request.
I was trembling and cold, my heartbeat could be heard in the room, now skipping beats.
“Are you the mother of Paul McManus, Jr.” he asked.
“Yes, why?” I was reluctant to admit.
“There was an accident in Charlotte, N.C. tonight and I am sorry to inform you that he has died.” ( I will know that man’s voice forever in my head )I started screaming & trembling.
“ NO he isn’t!!” I just talked to him at noon, he will answer his cell phone,” as I touched his name on my cell phone call list. It went directly to his voice mail.
“Paul, please answer your phone!!, it’s mom, I love you, please answer Paul, please!!
I redialed and redialed until they took my phone away from me.
The officers handed me a piece of paper with all the phone numbers from the authorities in Charlotte to receive the details of this unthinkable reality.
It was confirmed, my son had been struck as a pedestrian by a drunk driver on the freeway in Charlotte, N.C. and has now died as a result of multiple traumatic injuries.
But, somehow in all the grief, anguish and unanswered questions, a sense of peace comes and goes. It transcends my human understanding of all this. Paul's love is that powerful. I have discovered a part of me that I didn’t know I had before now.
It is with great hope, that as I share this story with parents and their children, that you be reminded of how short life can be. Please don’t leave anything left unsaid, cherish the days spent together, and if you have conflict and unresolved pain- try your very best to resolve it and heal so that if the day comes that you lose that opportunity forever, your heart will not be burdened with regret.
The healing process will be completely different with no regrets~ we need to be our own peacemaker. We need to know where our loyalties lie and who will always matter.
This is your legacy that you left for your own family... |
